This whole goddamn thing is gonna be a spoiler, so turn back now if you don’t trust me and, for some misguided reason, plan to see this movie.
Because christ on a crutch, what an insipid waste of everyone’s time this was.
And yeah yeah, what else should I have expected? Oh, I dunno? Characters, maybe, as opposed to the cardboard cutouts they had moving from set piece to set piece? Stunning imagery, rather than the same shots I’ve seen again and again, and done better.
Matter of fact, let’s take a moment, shall we, to really drill down into the visuals of this film. 80% of the time they’re showing the monsters, the director felt the need to come up with some kind of visual affectation to, what, jazz it up, maybe? You see the monsters fight on tv. You see the monsters through goggles, through a visor, you see the monsters over the shoulder of one guy, then another guy, then through the gap in wreckage, then through some smoke. What you rarely get to see is just monster on monster action, so impressed with themselves are the camera crew. ”Look how we can detract from the actual things people want to see this time!”
Which, I go to a monster movie, I wanna see the goddamn monsters. And if you think you’re a fancy-pants director making the monster version of The Third Man and you want to delay gratification, want to build the suspense, maybe create some sense of grandeur when we finally see the monsters.
Because I, for one, was not impressed. Godzilla looked like Godzilla, good job VFX team. The other monsters looked like the monsters I’ve seen in Cloverfield (which I liked more. Yeah, exactly), like the monsters I’ve seen in Pacific Rim, like the monsters I’ve seen in Monsters.
I was never sucked into this film. The eye candy hit my senses and slid right off, so uninspired as it was. The monster fights were lackluster, save for a cool moment with atomic fire.
And if there had been a cool story, I might’ve let some of that slide.
If there had been any interesting characters, I might’ve let some of that slide.
IF THEY HADN’T KILLED BRYAN CRANSTON IN THE FIRST FIFTEEN MINUTES, I MIGHT’VE ENJOYED THE MOVIE MORE.
If they’d given Elizabeth Olsen anything to do but quiver and cry during the entire film…jesus, I feel so badly for that actress. I’m sure she got a handsome check, but brother, what a worthless performance.
Matter of fact, they could’ve switched her with the guy who plays Kick Ass (our lead in this film, such as it is) and it would’ve been far better.
Because none of the people DO ANYTHING in this movie. Kick Ass gets a total of one decent moment where he kills the monsters babies. Good job. Other than that he merely survives. Every plan is laid to waste. Every idea goes down in flames. This movie…that I may prevent some of you seeing this movie, that almost makes the experience worth it. The miserable, time-consuming experience.
THEY KILL THE BEST ACTOR THEY’VE GOT IN THE FIRST FIFTEEN MINUTES.
Not a single character has any personality except for Cranston, and they figure that’s an excellent reason to have him fall down a walkway and die, OFF SCREEN. He doesn’t even get a death scene, what the deuce is up with that.