Elizabethtown - 2005 After watching Almost Famous, I felt compelled to see this film, even knowing it was universally reviled when it came out. But a movie being bad has very little to do with whether or not I wanna watch it. Sometimes I just wanna take a bad movie apart, cut it open and see what makes it work. Or not work. Only by examining our mistakes can we avoid making them in the future. And make no mistake, Elizabeth town is a constellation of mistakes. Chief among them, director Cameron Crowe made the cardinal mistake of hiring Orlando Bloom.  My god, I had no idea how bad he really was as an actor until watching him ruin this film.  The man sells not a single line.  Not a one.  Not even “I’m fine”. It’s almost fantastic to watch, to bear witness to a man who, in this role at least, utterly fails in his job. Oh, but Kirsten Dunst is…well, she’s adorable, but she’s also playing a basically inexplicable character.  It’s as if the character she plays in the beginning of the film is murdered and replaced by a pod person, only the pod person is Kirsten Dunst.  She actually stops, just plain old stops, playing her character after the first scene, and just plays herself. Is herself. Acts as herself. Which, hey, she’s cute and very indie attractive, but WHAT THE FUCK.  Why even bother writing her character? Why have her character appear, be nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying in the first scene, if you’re only going to have her turn around and be Super Indie Girl That Is So Awesome But Still Deigns to Fall in Love with Our Beleaguered Male Lead? Why not just start with that unicorn of a movie character? This is getting long, so, bullet points! The phone conversation montage ‘tween Bloom & Dunst? I get what it was supposed to do, but it was too truncated, so I got shortchanged on actually seeing them form a bond. There is a definite lack of authenticity that hovers like the smoke cloud from a forest fire over the entire film. (Shout out to the LA fires!) All the big emotional beats leave me cold.  Even Susan Sarandon is unable to convince me she’s grieving for her dead husband. The dialogue, while Cool…well, that’s actually the problem, the dialogue is too cool for these regular folk. It’s actually quite boring. Oh, and strangely enough? TOO MUCH MUSIC.  I know, Cameron Crowe, music guy, but sheesh, there’s more music than character development. Did I mention it was boring? It is. The voiceover? Oy vey. Alec Baldwin should’ve been in it more. One scene? He gets one scene, Orlando Bloom gets an entire film? Thoughtcrime. Orlando Bloom is horrible & boring.  It’s important enough I’m reiterating.  Seriously.  He should be fined. There should be fines for acting so bad it sinks a film.  An acting foul. Grade: D View high resolution

Elizabethtown - 2005

After watching Almost Famous, I felt compelled to see this film, even knowing it was universally reviled when it came out.

But a movie being bad has very little to do with whether or not I wanna watch it. Sometimes I just wanna take a bad movie apart, cut it open and see what makes it work. Or not work.

Only by examining our mistakes can we avoid making them in the future.

And make no mistake, Elizabeth town is a constellation of mistakes.

Chief among them, director Cameron Crowe made the cardinal mistake of hiring Orlando Bloom.  My god, I had no idea how bad he really was as an actor until watching him ruin this film.  The man sells not a single line.  Not a one.  Not even “I’m fine”. It’s almost fantastic to watch, to bear witness to a man who, in this role at least, utterly fails in his job.

Oh, but Kirsten Dunst is…well, she’s adorable, but she’s also playing a basically inexplicable character.  It’s as if the character she plays in the beginning of the film is murdered and replaced by a pod person, only the pod person is Kirsten Dunst.  She actually stops, just plain old stops, playing her character after the first scene, and just plays herself. Is herself. Acts as herself.

Which, hey, she’s cute and very indie attractive, but WHAT THE FUCK.  Why even bother writing her character? Why have her character appear, be nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying in the first scene, if you’re only going to have her turn around and be Super Indie Girl That Is So Awesome But Still Deigns to Fall in Love with Our Beleaguered Male Lead? Why not just start with that unicorn of a movie character?

This is getting long, so, bullet points!

  • The phone conversation montage ‘tween Bloom & Dunst? I get what it was supposed to do, but it was too truncated, so I got shortchanged on actually seeing them form a bond.
  • There is a definite lack of authenticity that hovers like the smoke cloud from a forest fire over the entire film. (Shout out to the LA fires!)
  • All the big emotional beats leave me cold.  Even Susan Sarandon is unable to convince me she’s grieving for her dead husband.
  • The dialogue, while Cool…well, that’s actually the problem, the dialogue is too cool for these regular folk.
  • It’s actually quite boring.
  • Oh, and strangely enough? TOO MUCH MUSIC.  I know, Cameron Crowe, music guy, but sheesh, there’s more music than character development.
  • Did I mention it was boring? It is.
  • The voiceover? Oy vey.
  • Alec Baldwin should’ve been in it more. One scene? He gets one scene, Orlando Bloom gets an entire film? Thoughtcrime.
  • Orlando Bloom is horrible & boring.  It’s important enough I’m reiterating.  Seriously.  He should be fined. There should be fines for acting so bad it sinks a film.  An acting foul.

Grade: D

Notes