TRANSFORMERS 2
This is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. And I’ve spent the past year watching some seriously bad films.
This movie isn’t just bad, it’s bloated. It’s offensive. It’s slow! It’s two and a half hours long! It’s convoluted and nonsensical.
I need to buy a new thesaurus just to properly describe how bad this film is.
{shakes head} Just…wow. It’s not just the paltry script. It’s not just the super-serious music and lame acting. It’s…look, Tyrese is in it, and HE’S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART.
Oh, and did I mention it’s racist? That there are two obviously ghetto (ebonics-spewing, gold tooth-wearing) autobots who spend 90% of their screen time arguing and bumbling through their scenes? And that at one point they even call Bumblebee “nigga”? Yeah, because that happens. 1:42:21.
I highly recommend you avoid this film at all costs. Nothing excuses its creation. It’s not a movie for kids. There’s death and the aforementioned racial epithet. There’s also some weird scene where Shia Lebeouf dies and speaks to Transformers ghosts, who tell him to go back to his dead body and save some other Transformers. And that? That there is some nonsense kids don’t need to see.
“Hey kid! Heaven’s real, and it’s filled with some spooky glowing robots!!!”
Oy gevalt. Such a bad movie.
AND. And they kill Optimus Prime. AGAIN. That guy just can’t catch a break. Died in the comic books a few times, on the tv shows several times, the cartoon movie, and now this. It’s the Transformers universe’s go-to tragedy.
Did I ruin the movie for you by giving away that spoiler? Good. Now you don’t have to see it.
Still want to see it? Okay, John Turturro shows up. As does the guy who plays Dwight in The Office. And they’re both comic relief. The bad guys use Shia’s parents as bait. Megatron has a bigger boss, The Fallen, and he’s related to Optimus Prime. And there’s a weapon in a pyramid that can destroy the sun to make energy for Transformers. And Optimus uses the parts from a dead robot to get all suped-up so that he can RIP THE FACE OFF OF THE MAIN BAD GUY.
And the whole world knows about Transformers, now. Yeah, somehow they were able to hide the fact that giant transforming robots exist for 1.5 movies.
How about now? still want to see it? If you do, email me. I’ll just keep going until you promise to NEVER EVER WATCH THIS FILM.
GRADE: D- (avoids an F because there’s exactly 1 scene in the entire movie that’s good, where Optimus Prime uses his sword to fuck up a bunch of bad guys. RIGHT BEFORE HE DIES LIKE A BITCH)
